I Was... #100daysofwriting

This is a tiny snapshot of my life this evening. I feel like I've got loads I'd like to be doing but in fact I've been reading blogs, playing Patchworks and Jumbline and googling random shit while The Apprentice and NCIS were on in the background. It was quite a busy day though. In other news I am getting very into NCIS. Although it was weird to watch a Christmas episode today.

I was
All fired up
To write many words
Tonight was to be
The night I
Exceeded my
Word count
Instead it
Was yet another
Night where I spent
Too much time playing
Very addictive games
Oh well


♥ Emma

Minor Frustrations #100daysofwriting

I'm pretty frustrated now, probably needlessly. There were a few niggles that got a tiny bit out of hand this evening. One of those things were you just have to accept that the others involved are who they are and you can't change them. Which, obviously can be a tough thing to deal with.

The situation this evening was nothing like as bad as this poem but it seemed to be the direction it (the poem) wanted to go in

Many minor small things
Intensely interacting to a form a larger whole
Needlessly niggle away until
Organically outrageously and overwhelmingly
Rage ricochets around the room

Fiercely frustrated yet over the top
Ranting raving people cause others to do the same
Understandably unctuous
Stresses simmers slowly
Then tempers erupt between usually good friends
Rules rarely broken
Are absolutely ridiculous right now and ignored
Trouble trying to stay calm
Inserting inspired opinions usually welcome is suddenly inappropriate
Overall overwhelmed by no one thing
Needlessly negative the event has become
Sadly selfishly everything is ruined for one and all.


♥ Emma

Taking Back #100daysofwritiing #disability

I am in the middle of writing a longer blog post about the language of disability. I saw a brilliant blog about the language of adoption and I've also been poking one of my friends gently about disability inclusion in her writing on a semi regular basis. The two things conspired to make me want to share some more thoughts on disability language.

The following poem is for my 100 days of writing project and was meant to be at the end of the disability language entry. Which isn't finished and looks to be a long one. So this gets it's own separate entry.

The words I use
To describe myself
Are right for me
And I have the right to choose

If I want to say
I'm this
Or that
Today

You can ask why
I use a term
I'll explain happily
Rather then let it pass by

But please don't try
To tell me I'm not
Something I clearly am
If you don't like it tell me why

I'm always happy to discuss
Disability language matters
I find other points of view interesting
And disagreeing won't make me cuss

Language and disability are cause for much debate.
Not everyone agrees with everyone else
But in many was our diversity makes us stronger
Which for our community is really great

Of who I am I am proud
So words like crip
And cripple and spastic
Are totally fantastic to say out loud

'twas the night before #Easter

This is in honour of Easter and the fact I wanted to do something more challenging than I have been. I tweeted earlier that I was writing something which would either be fucking genius or fucking ridiculous. This is that piece and I would love feedback on it.

With apologies to the writer of the original


Twas the night before Easter
And all through the house
All creatures were stirring
(but thankfully there wasn't a mouse)
The eggs were placed
On the work top with care
In hopes the time to eat them
Soon would be there
This cripple was not
Tucked in her bed
Visions of chocolate danc'd in her head
A long nap or
A DVD with goodies in her lap instead
Dreaming interrupted by such a clatter
She had to go see what was the matter
Wheeled to the window in a flash
Didn't open the sash
(too cold)
The streetlights with their bright orange glow
Gave a weird look to those below
When what to her unsurprised eyes should appear?
Five drunks
(a regular occurrence this year)
She knew in a moment they'd be gone real quick
Hopefully before someone was sick
More rapid than eagles a straggler he came
Danced and pranced and shouted Easter egg names
"hey mars!" "oh Cadbury" "maltesers they'll do"
"now creme egg and then one with a mug too"
Too many to choose he didn't know what to do
To Sainsburys, to Tesco they'd visit them all!
As even Easter eggs in hurricanes can't fly
an obstacle he couldn't get by
Down to the shops went the straggler (and his friends too)
In search of Easter eggs
Old favourites - and new
And then in a twinkling she heard one youth
Prancing and pawing (most uncouth)
As she drew in her head and was turning around
Back across the room went the crip in one bound
She was dressed all in black from her head to her foot
Her clothes all tarnish'd with food that she cook
A bundle of eggs on her wheelchair back
She looked like a child as she delved in the pack
Her eyes — how they twinkled! Her dimples: how merry,
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry;
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
The skin on her chin was covered in white chocolate you know
The last bite of Easter egg held tight in her teeth
The foil it encircled her chair like a wreath
She had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when she laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
She was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
You laugh'd when you saw her in spite of yourself
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head
For watchers to know they had nothing to dread
She spoke not a word but went straight to work
Put out Easter treats then turn'd with a jerk
And laying her finger aside of her nose
And giving a nod, out the room she goes
She went to her bed giving a whistle
To sleep she fell fast like a missile
But you heard her exclaim, as she turned out the light—
Happy Easter to all, and to all a good night.











♥ Emma

Declaration

My mood is somewhat better today; I actually feel like I've achieved some stuff which helps.

I have a positive looking outcome to an access issue I flagged on the horizon and as that was one of the things that made things tough the other week it's a help to move things forward. My bruises from my fall are completely gone and a plan is in place to hopefully lessen the impact of future falls (so long as I can avoid falling in the next month or so) I REALLY must blog about that. The third crap thing I think will never be resolved but I've almost finished doing everything that needs doing to take it as far as I can. So I'm getting there and moving forward.

All of that crap and I haven't shed a single tear over any of it. Amazing. Take a bow, sertraline.

This is my attempt at a funny poem. I like it but I think it isn't good at the funny part.

This is a declaration
A declaration
Or perhaps
A proclamation
I'm not sure
Which

But it is my intention
To provide
This information
In a decisive way

Information
Shared across
The nation
With the intention
Of it being
A declaration
Or perhaps
A proclamation

Should be taken seriously
But now
it's time to mention
That I've lost my train
Of thought
It's gone
Never to be
Caught

So
This is my declaration
Or
My proclamation
(the difference was
lacking from
my education)
Containing
Important
Information
To be shared across
The nation

Stop listening
To me
And go on
Vacation
Or just have
Your tea.


♥ Emma

The 3 Rs #fridayreads #amreading

I've had a really lazy day doing lots of reading amongst other things. I kept thinking I'll read one more chapter then I'll do something else but that usually turned into three or four more at least.

I have so many unread books (both actual books and ebooks) that over a few days I considered all of them. I then declared a book buying ban and made a list of books. I am not buying any more books until I've read or at least attempted all of those. Although I did buy two books when I was writing the thing.

There are 35 books on the list, I've since finished two and hope to finish one or two more over Easter (a lot of them are short - I deliberately listed those as they are quick and will make a big dent in my TBR pile). I reckon at least 10 of the books have around 200 pages so providing they aren't hard going I could read one of them in a day or so. Of course I do have library books out at the moment and didn't list those...

I anticipate taking at least three months to read the list, probably longer. I doubt it will be less but who knows.


Reading
Writing
Arithmetic
The 3 Rs
They were
Called at
School

Kinda amusing
Looking back
When you think
Only one
Begins with
R

That's probably
Why
Literacy
And
Numeracy
Are what
Teachers
Say
Today

Two of
The Rs
Are my
Hobbies
I've spent
The day
Reading
And now
I'm writing

School made
Them fun
But I'm
Not sure
I'd get
So much
Enjoyment
Out of literacy

As I do
From
Reading
And
Writing

(you can do
What you
Like with
Arithmetic)


♥ Emma

I have no idea what to title this but it's basically crack!fic

The following is 273 words of what, if it were fanfiction, could only be called crack!fic I have no idea why it turned out like it did or what I was thinking. It was written in the breaks of a brilliant episode of NCIS and I've just been sat here trying to rescue it before admitting that I'm too tired and giving up. Thems the facts and my only excuse.


It's April. And it's raining. Hardly surprising, given that it's what the whole month is known for. April showers. Given the name showers though this isn't what they'd been expecting. The better name for this would be torrential. Because it was. The sort of rain where even with waterproofs and an umbrella you're soaked through after less than two minutes. Completely soaked through. Down to your knickers.

At least you would be, were you wearing them. That was the one thing he was pleased about. That he wasn't wearing knickers. All of his knickers were really expensive flimsy ones (sometimes he thought that the more you paid the less you actually got. That had been one of the more shocking revelations he'd experienced as an adult. We won't talk about the most shocking revelation. He doesn't think about that if he can help it). He doesn't usually think of his childhood with fond memories and he was definitely very relieved when it was over and done with. But there were one or two things that he will admit we're better or at least easier in his childhood years. Knickers are one of the better things of being an adult. Having to pay ridiculous sums of money for clothes and especially for knickers is one of the worst. Especially given the fact that his knickers were dry clean only. Rain would destroy them he was sure.

Going commando under his jeans was something he'd never done before. He wasn't sure he'd do it again. It was weird. Very weird. But it was definitely better than ruining his knickers in those so called April showers...

♥ Emma

Elephant Handling #100daysofwriting

Today has been a good day (the best I've had in a while) and I feel like I've got a lot done. It got away from me a little though and not only did I not get the non writing blog update I wanted to do done I didn't have the time to do justice to the writing prompt a friend gave me.

This is quite possibly the silliest piece I've done for this challenge. It was inspired by a tv advert - the one where the guy is riding an elephant and the VoiceOver says "it takes years to master driving one of these.". I think it might be for HSBC? It was on in the background when I was starting my writing.

It takes years to master elephant handling,

That was the very first line in the handbook he'd just received and pulled eagerly from its Amazon box. A dire warning but Dan refused to be put off by that. This was something he'd always wanted to do and whilst he knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park he didn't think it was going to be as hard as they appeared to be implying it was. He'd master it and wouldn't be put off. No siree not when he'd been preparing for this moment for his entire life. No one had ever been more prepared to start this training course than he was.

But he did wonder what elephant handling had to with being a bin man in the centre of London.


♥ Emma

Rose - a character sketch and maybe a beginning #100daysofwriting

This is something I may use in a longer piece. My intention had been to do a character sketch of sorts but actually having finished it I'm wondering if the situation I've placed Rose in doesn't have more merit than Rose herself. It's very much meant to be a straw that broke the camels back situation but I'm not sure how well that comes across.

Cold. It's really cold. Dark too. Even though it's been a good day Rose is in a bad mood now. She's a tolerant person and it takes a lot to make her angry or even just wind her up a little. But this has. She's tired and it's been a long day. Plus, she's struggling with that horrible letdown like feeling that comes after a day that was either much anticipated or great fun, and this day was both. Rose knows that the solution is to plan something else that she can look forward too. A little bit of hope on the horizon of the dreary grey landscape that is the daily grind of work, home, bed, repeat as necessary. A lighthouse guiding her through the storm to the next safe harbour. The trouble is she doesn't want to be made to feel better. Even the most optimistic and positive person needs to wallow a bit now and then. And smashing the jar of peanut butter you'd been planning to put on your toast (it would have been just the thing to round off her perfect day) is a perfectly adequate reason to do so. Some would even say a great reason. And Rose was very much one of these people (Rose's author however is not. In fact, The Author, is one of those allegedly rare people who can't stand the stuff)


♥ Emma

Some words #100daysofwriting

I was thinking about my writing and how it takes on a life of its own. Often I think I'll go one way with it but once I start writing there's another idea that comes to mind. Or it becomes clear that something I'd dismissed is much more important than I anticipated. The other part of that is when bits I thought were silly or stupid are strong or otherwise good when it comes to reading back.

I've lost track of what day this is but being that April 28th is day 100, I think today is day 74 of 100.

Some Words

Some words
Scribbled Quickly
On a page

The times
Of a train
A shopping list
A note
Just popped
Next door

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

Perhaps
An address
Phone number
Email or
Appointment

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

Dismissed as
Unimportant
Or as
Just a
Note to self

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

It's easy
To overlook
Words
And especially
Writing

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

A mistake
And a habit
I hope
You'll break

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

Can turn out
To be
So much more
On a
Second look

Some words
Scribbled quickly
On a page

If you
Open your mind
You might find
On that
Second look
They're more
Perhaps even
The start of
A book



♥ Emma

You Know You've Got CP When...

Someone shows you a new disabled changing room and you get really excited and describe it as amazing.
The start of sailing supper was last night. Sailing itself starts on 10th April. And yesterday was a chance to socialise, catch up and just generally be together after the long winter break. It was a lot of fun and it was nice after a horrible week to be with friends I've not seen for months.
I popped to the loo before we left. And when I came out my Dad was talking to one of the volunteers. He called for me to come and see. I wheeled over to a new bit of the building. Part that hadn't been there before. I hadn't known they were doing building work over the winter but when I saw it I figured it was teaching rooms or similar.
I imagine part of it probably is. But the bit they wanted me to see was an amazing disabled changing room.
It was probably the best set up I've seen in a place that isn't all crip, all the time. And even better than a lot of those.
It was huge. As big as my lounge if not bigger.
It had a loo with a track hoist over it. An adapted shower. A bed. An area to sit with a hair dryer at the right level and hooks at the right place. Loads of grab rails. An alarm cord (I forget if it's in the right place or not).
Masses of space in between for turning and people to help if needed. A swing door so you can get in and out easily.
And it has a mirror.
A nice, big, well placed mirror.
So many disabled toilets and changing rooms don't have mirrors. Or they do but at standing height. And I even know of one that has the mirror much too low!
It's a small thing. But it's also a big thing
Because not only was that new changing room designed by someone who has thought things through and done a good job.
It was done by someone who knows that crips like to check their hair when they pop to the loo just like non disabled people do.
Mirror, mirror
On the wall
Whose the fairest
Of them all?
Ok, it's not me
But I'm happy
I can look and see
Unusual
For this wheelie
With CP
A mirror is small
Most people
Give them no
Thought at all
In a disabled loo
It's something new
It feels like going the
Extra mile
And it's made me smile
That they thought
A mirror
(in the right place)
Was worthwhile
That I'd like
To see my face.
♥ Emma

All content copyright Emma Crees, 2006 - 2012 unless otherwise stated
http://writerinawheelchair.blogspot.com

Missing: One Smile

I've lost
My smile

Last seen
On Tuesday
Sitting in
The sunshine
Eating a picnic
Of sorts.

But then
Without warning
A painful blow
Struck
Trust was
Broken
And
My smile
Went missing

It's not behind
The sofa
Hiding in
The kitchen
Or lurking under
My bed
I checked.

I was definitely
At home
The last time
I saw it
And my parents
Double checked
My bins.

My smile is
Gone
We just can't
Find it
Unsurprising
Given the
Mood I'm in

It's weird without
My smile
Horrid that
I can't even grin
I wouldn't
Know
Where to
Begin

And as for a smirk
I imagine that's
On the face
Of the smile thief
Because it isn't
On mine
It's just too much
Work.

There are
Glimmers
Of hope
Snippets
Of good news
Bring a fleeting
Return
But my smile is
Scared
Needs more
Than I've got
To return
For good

My smile
Is missing
If found,
Please return
To me



♥ Emma

How Dare You #100daysofwriting #disability

You ask me
How I dare
Do what I do?

Be it
Live alone
Go out
Volunteer
Swim
Knit
Survive
Thrive

You tell
Me
You couldn't
Do it.
You wouldn't
Dare.

So it seems
I'm brave
For going
To the supermarket
The library
And even
The post office
But especially
For laughing
Living
And loving

The truth is
I
Have
one choice
Do it
Or not
And if
I
Don't
No one will
Do it for me

But it
Takes
Friendship
Support
Understanding
Help
And trust

For me
To do
What I do
Be independent
Successful
Outgoing
And
All I am
It takes a village

And so I want to know
How YOU dare
Take advantage
Of me
Destroy
My trust
Hurt me
Make me
Feel crap
And
Really
Pissed off

You've always
Said I'm brave
Incredibly Strong
Inspirational
And so many
Other things

I dare do things
You wouldn't
Because I
Have no choice

But I'm not
Brave enough
To say this
To your
Face
How dare you?
How dare you?
How dare you
Do what you did?

I might be
Strong
(although I'm
Not always
Sure that's so)
But not
Incredibly so
As you make out

The truth is
You're a
coward
Because only a
Coward
Would do
What you did
I hope it
Haunts you
A secret
Of which
You'll
Never be
Rid


♥ Emma

This Character #100daysofwriting

A character sketch. Shorter than I intended and missing a couple of bits I'd thought of writing. But as often happens my writing took on a life of its own and went where it wanted to. I consider this a very good thing!

This character is a strong one. They've got a lot to say and usually they aren't afraid to say so. At the same time there's a lot of things they'd like to say but keep quiet. Hiding those thoughts and feelings deep inside for fear of people not understanding what they mean, of potential ridicule and worst of all of pity.

Not many people know this character very well. In part that's because life's been tough on them and left them different. Differences that people can see and that mean assumptions are made about who the character is by people who then write them off without a first thought, let alone a second.

They've been left with more differences than the visible. Those hidden differences are the worst. They mean that this character doesn't trust easily, never really believes people want to be their friend. That they get scared and push people away much too often. They know how their real friends are though. Real friends are the ones who push back. Who end up wrestling on the floor with the character in a long, sweaty match which ends with both exhausted but clear on who the winner is. Or rather what the winner is. Because in those wrestling matches? Friendship comes out the winner. Always. Exactly as it should



♥ Emma

Kick in the teeth

Not my usual positive self today. Lots going on, plenty of positive and fun things but also several kicks in the teeth lately.

A very bad fall at the weekend (literally the second worst I've ever had) means I have a really badly bruised and sore arm, knees and other bits. I've no idea how I didn't break something. Access issues that were totally unexpected but could have been avoided with thought on others part forced cancelled plans. And a few small niggles.



Apparently
There's a sign
On my back
That says
Come to me
Kick me
I'm the target
For all
Disability related
Crap

Or so it seems
I'd be on my knees
But I can't do that
Physically
I am in my dreams
But that's not
What everyone
Sees

I've often
Talked about the good
And sometimes the bad
Maybe not as often as I should
I've tried
To see the best
Whenever I could
Look inside
Look beyond
Try to see
If this is one
Of the times I've lied
And to see that which
I sometimes hide.





♥ Emma

An unusual sight #dohmonday #withtheband #100daysofwriting

Today was better than I expected and I had the opportunity to take time out in the middle of my busy day. I read in the sunshine for just under an hour and finished reading my book then took a shower before continuing my day.

Time to just be, it was perfect. That's what I wanted from my disconnected day at the weekend but it didn't happen. Disconnecting did but life kicked me in the teeth so there was angst and little chilling

Plus, I had my last counselling session.

They were both doses of happy for me today.

And now, a poem

Dark sky
Bright lights
Cars stream past
Keep going fast
Life never stops
Even when the sun drops

The pull of life
Can cause strife
Always needed to be there
No time for self care
Until one night
There came an unusual sight

People were few
As though they knew
It would be best
To rest
And lay their sleepy heads
On their beds

♥ Emma

Over It

I've had shed loads of crap happen this weekend. Pretty much all disability related too. And although I have managed to resurrect some of the weekend my plans for Friday night and yesterday were completely derailed in separate incidents. Add in a major case of can't be arsed about something I have to do tomorrow and it's fair to say my mood isn't great.

Over It

Over it.
I'm over it
Definitely
I'm not
beside it
Behind it
Underneath it
On top of it
In front of it
On its left
Or on its right.
I'm just
Over it.
Had enough
Done with it
Can't be bothered
Tomorrow isn't
Even here yet
But it can
Happen
without me
I'm over
Everything that's planned
If you're supposed
To see me
Tomorrow
You'll have to
Pretend
Because I'm
Over it
And as such
I think
I'll sleep
Until Tuesday
Or perhaps
Longer.
I might be
Over Tuesday
Too
Who knows?


♥ Emma

Snotty Letter #disability #100daysofwriting

It's time
For a
Snotty Letter

It's time
To show
Why I've
Got my
Rep

People say
I've a
BAD ATTITUDE

Or that
They never
Met a
More ungrateful
Little Madam

The fact
Is I've
Got rights

Unthinking changes
Allegedly to
Help staff
Ruined my
Day out

So it's
Snotty Letter
Time again

The staff
Were great
They hate
The change
As well

I had
To laugh
At that

I said
This thing
Is shit
They said
We know!!!

Impossible problems
No solution
No excuses

I'll be
Polite yet
Very firm
Insisted on
Advertised access

Bite my
Tongue and
Think first

It was
Very disappointing
Needed better
Planning and
User consultation

Snotty annoyed
And not
Snotty screaming

What the
Fuck were
You thinking?
Fucking ridiculous
And unnecessary

My friends
Helped rescue
My day
Park picnics
Cafe drinks

But that
Won't make
Snotty Letter

If asking
For my
Rights means
People don't
Like me

That's fine
I've never
Been afraid

Secretly I
Hate it
If I
Weren't disabled
They'd listen

Crips stereotypes
Cause offence
To all


I ask
To be
Treated the
Same as
Other people

I'm good
At advocacy
Being heard

But really
I just
Want to
Visit Swindon
Not Oxford

I hope
Someday disability
Won't be
A reason
To think

It's time
For a snotty
Letter

But sadly
And stressfully
That day
Is not
Today

The National Day of Unplugging #unplug #100daysofwriting

I've just discovered that The National Day of Unplugging is from sundown tonight to sundown tomorrow.

I always used to take periodic time away from my computer and the net. a day or two. For a whole year I did it at least once a month. But I haven't gone an entire day since I got my iPad in July last year. Maybe even longer. And by coincidence I'd been thinking that I really need a day off from it all. I'd thought that I'd take tomorrow, but I said the same thing about last Saturday and a day a few weeks ago and never managed it either day.

So I'm declaring here and now: It's the National Day of Unplugging from sunset. And I'm in.

Disconnect

Day of being out there, real not virtual
Idyllic time to be away from the screen rest, inspire, create
Screens free me but also suffocate with pressure
Controlling access stops it controlling me
On everyday, on all the time, only not this day
Never gone for more than hours fearing missing out
Need to say not today, need to be without
Eager to disconnect, will I be as eager to reconnect?
Creative, content, cleansed, chilled are all things I hope it will be
Tonight, for twenty four hours my computer screens go black and blank



♥ Emma

Graceful Elegance #100daysofwriting

Sun shining bright
Bluest sky for months
Filled with red kites
Flying and swooping
Hardly moving their wings
It's more than flying
A bit like a dance
But more than that too
Swimming through the air
Six together
Sometimes more
Synchronised
Working together
To live
Survive and thrive
I see them often
Daily even
They always
catch my eye
And make me think
How lucky I am
To live here
And see such sights
Graceful elegance
From an
Uncontrollable, wild
Animal