Looking Back - and then briefly forward

I wrote my first ever blog entry almost 11 years ago.  A couple of days ago I started playing with the "you might also like" feature on this blog and started reading some of my older entries (which go back to March 2006 on her as my Wheelchair Princess archives are also here).  And then yesterday I went back even earlier and was reading stuff from 2003/2004.  This evening I went all the way back to the very beginning 8th November 2000. And it really hooked me in.

It's really interesting going back all those years and seeing what I was up too then.  My style back then seems to have been much more "what I was up to" than it is now.  Possibly part of that has to do with it being a diary rather than a blog.  Diaries and blogs were different things you see (totally not sure what the difference was though other than blogs having multiple entries to a page and diaries just having one).  In many ways I think I miss that style, I should make more of an effort to write about things I'm doing rather than just thoughts and book reviews.

I'd implied certain things and now I have no idea what they were "a certain person is annoying me again" that sort of thing. And at times I have an idea who it probably was but at others I'm clueless.  Plus I was much less aware of internet and personal safety - some of the comments I made about my friends with their names are completely inappropriate. Jeez I'd never write that stuff now. And at one point I named both the very small village where my Gran and Grandad lived and the town I live in.  The name of the hall at uni I lived in is used liberally too.

The other thing that it made me realise was just how long I've had depression.  I was diagnosed in Feb 2003 and I've always said that I was depressed for most of a year before that to a greater or lesser degree (things came to ahead in late 2002 but it took until Feb 03 for my friends to talk me into getting help).  Reading entries from early 2001 however I make numerous references to being depressed and struggling emotionally so perhaps it's been even longer than I remembered.  I'm not sure how I feel about that

Several of my earlier years of blogging are lost and I've said before that in some ways thats a good thing because those entries make me cringe.  But actually tonight even my very first blog entry didn't make me cringe.  It did however make me think I should do something to save all those entries just in case.

It's very interesting looking back like that - I could do with going to bed relatively soon or I'd probably still be doing it right now.  As well as looking back however it's got me looking forward.  In five or ten years time will I be looking back at this entry and the others I've written this year remembering and wondering?  I think my current blog entries wouldn't be such a good memory aide and the feelings and memories wouldn't be so vivid.  I think I need to change that.

A Letter Unsent

Dear you,

I know you'll never read this and even if you did you wouldn't understand it. But sometimes a girl's just gotta get some stuff off of her chest.

If I need help I will ask. Don't just stick your hand on my side without saying a word and then act all offended when I ask what you're doing. Don't assume that there's a chance I'm going to fall as I'm transferring and that you putting you hand on my side just above my hip will prevent that happening. It's just really rude, really off putting and substantially increases the chances that I actually will fall!

I know from a previous experience we had that you're just trying to be helpful and that you don't get it. I kept my cool this time.

Last time made you think I had an "attitude problem" I know and I couldn't be bothered to deal with it this time. I couldn't really be bothered to deal with you. Looking back I probably should have snapped at you to "get your hands off of me!" when you grabbed my wheelchair and tried to take over. But you know what, there are plenty of things I can't do - let me do the things I can. And even more importantly in that case, my Quickie tips incredibly easily, I couldn't take the risk of you reaching around and pushing me from where you were sat as you were. I didn't want to hit the floor.

Thanks for going "what's she done, what's she done?" when you saw me and S talking to a first aider this afternoon. And even more thanks for going "she's cut her foot!" to every other person in there when S told you. It was just a tiny bit of blood and no big deal for a toe walking CPer like me. Quick antiseptic wipe and a plaster and i was good to go. Getting it blown out of proportion like that was really annoying and difficult too.

If you must ask none of your business questions ask me! You tell me you've been a carer longer than I've been alive. You have relatives who use wheelchairs, I know one of them. Personally I thought this would be obvious to you but obviously I was wrong.

Please, difficult as it is for you, leave me to ask for help. And if I do ask, help me exactly as I say. Because if i ask for an arm to lean on whilst standing and you pull me from sitting to standing chances are I'm going to lose my balance (or not get it in the first place) and you might hurt me. I could plunk back into my chair instead of transferring or I could fall. Even more importantly you might hurt yourself.

~Me