A long time ago, on a Tuesday in February, I was diagnosed with depression. And one week later on another Tuesday I received a phone call.
I was excited when I saw who was calling on the screen of my mobile. But I should have known it wasn't a good thing - because we were great friends but she never called me - it was always text and e-mail with the very odd letter. Never in a million years did I expect what came next. She had died the day before.
This year marks five years since the day I received that diagnosis. the day a week later when I received that phone call is five years ago tomorrow. She died five years ago today. I don't know how it can have been five years. It feels like yesterday.
Thursday marks eight years since her older sister and another good friend of mine died. I don't know how it can have been eight years. It feels like yesterday.
And 11 days ago was the first birthday of Stevie's since he left us. In three months it will be a year - but it still definitely feels like the rainy day I sat watching candles burn and watching the rain poor down the window in my back door was yesterday.
February isn't a great month for me, I really don't like it. But this year I'm working on the premise that "February is fabulous". And I'm remembering my friends by having fun and doing things and simply by LIVING.
I can't say I haven't had bad minutes/hours/days. Because I have. But it has made it easier.
I got told something today that would usually send me spinning and upset me. Today I was just really amused - and I also thought it was really pathetic. I think maybe this attitude is making me a bit of a bitch. But it works for me.
I'm enjoying February more than I have in the longest time.