Better left to chance

I've written before about how I believe that having CP is what is right for me.  And about how if I didn't have CP there are many experiences that would have been different.  Some good; some bad.

There are things which CP means I do differently to everyone else - a friend's dad once told her in my hearing that she should be grateful because there's plenty she does I can't (she has a milder form of CP).  I told him I do everything everyone else does but I just do it differently.  I don't think he got it.  He made out that he did but he was humouring me.  i don't think many people get it.

My life would be different if I didn't have CP; very different.  I can't tell you what that would be.  It has never happened and it will never happen.  But what I can tell you is that it wouldn't be any easier.  Life isn't easy.  It's not supposed to be.

"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears"

That's an American Indian proverb and is very, very true in my opinion.

I was listening to my iPod this morning as I wandered on my way up to the bureau.  I shuffled it before leaving the house and one of the first songs that came on was Especially for You by Kylie and Jason.

That used to be one of my absolute favourite songs when I was  a little girl.  And listening to it brought back a memory which I think was about three weeks before my 8th birthday.  It wasn't a happy memory.  At the beginning of December that year I was hospitalised and I had my last surgery (hamstring and ankle releases).  I was on the childrens ward and one day someone from hospital radio came to see me.  They asked me to chose a song which they would play and dedicate to me.  I asked for something by Kylie or Jason.

Fast forward to that evening or maybe the evening and I had to have an injection.  They had to hold me down to do it and I screamed and screamed.  At the same time someone took the headphones to the hospital radio and put them on me.  Especially for You was playing - especially for me.  I listened to it as I screamed and I cried.

And as I listened to that song this morning I remembered that long ago day.  And yes, I could have done without that experience, without that memory coming back to me.

18 (argh! 18?!?!) years later it can safely be said that long term that surgery probably didn't have the success we wanted from it.  Sometimes now I look back (even over the last four or so years) and wonder just how the hell I used to be able to do things that I can't any more.  Because things have changed so much.  Maybe without that operation (or any of the others) things would be better than they are now but equally they may be worse.  I really don't care either way.

As with several other experiences I have had, I've been there and I've done that (hell I even bought the t'shirt!).  And if I had of known what the outcome would be I might have chosen differently.  But I'm glad I didn't know.  Because each experience brought me blessings and good things - things that if I'd missed out on the pain I'd have missed out on.

I love who I am now.  Even if it did take pain, suffering and something of an ongoing fight to get here.

One of my favourite songs is The Dance by Garth Brooks

And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way It all would end
The way It all would go
Our lives,
Are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'da had to miss the dance.

 

The dance makes it all worthwhile.