I really don't like depression or pms or...
And I've been crying on and off all evening. So much so that I rang mMum to tell her I was feeling better and by the time she was out of the bath and called me back I was crying again. Joy.
My dad came round tonight and did a few odd bits for me. He bought the dog with him... and the first thing the dog did was cock a leg and wee all over my (new) washing basket.... I told him off and so did Dad and then we laughed.
I know this is a pms thing and I know this is a depression thing and I know this whole crying thing mainly stems from a couple of stupid throwaway comments made by others that weren't meant to hurt me but which did and which I can't leave behind. Stupid depression feedback loop like thinking. Stupid secondary disability crap.
And it's not helped by the fact that 1) my parents go away on Saturday and I now worry that they're going to be worrying about me whilst away because of how sad I am right now. and 2) there is/was a tentative plan in place to reduce/wean my antidepressants this year - the fifth anniversary of which is fast approaching - and I get like this and panic that it's slipping away from me and, and and...
Rationally I know this is alllll stupid and irrelevant and in no way important. And as Mum put it this time of year is a shitty one and people struggle. And as Dad put it I'm doing really well and he's proud of me (which is why the tears started again by the time my Mum called back - he'd just said that).
But my brain and my emotions and my hormones are totally messed up and this is the result. This will sort itself out in a few days and for now... I'm gonna go listen to this song and remind myself of it's truth.