I've Had Enough

It's three and a half weeks since my powerchair broke down.  

And I've done relatively well since then.  I'm proud of how well I've done in fact.  I've done more wheeling in my manual chair than I probably have in years.  Admittedly I was in a lot of pain for two days after with a very sore neck and achy shoulders but doing so felt good. And the tears have only fallen once (although they came close to coming again this morning.).  A big part of that is probably my antidepressant - but that's why I take it and a big proof that it's working.

Wheelchair repairs taking a long time is normal.  Wheelchair parts aren't like car parts and they can take a while to come.  I understand that.  That's "disability normal"

And I do realise there are people who get to go out a lot less than I do even without my powerchair.  That need powerchairs and don't have them or who can't get out of bed. Who don't live in fully adapted flats like I do.   I'd usually be the first to tell you that I'm very lucky in more ways than one

But not today.

Today I've had enough.

I've had enough of not getting out for days.

I've had enough of not seeing people on some of those days

I've had enough of understanding that wheelchair parts take time

I've had enough of going to the supermarket or wherever when someone can go with me not when I want to.

I've had enough of thinking of those who have it worse than me

I've had enough of having to tell my friend my PIN so she can go to the cashpoint for me.

I've had enough of online shops and waiting for parcels to be redelivered because I can't get to pick it up

I've had enough of someone going to the bank, post office or library for me.

I've had enough of managing more in my manual chair and feeling good about that then paying with lots of pain the next day or two

I've had enough of not knowing when my chair will be back
I've had enough of freaking out my friends with how down this situation made me

I've had enough of begging for lifts and favours

I've had enough of apologising and feeling guilty (everyone's understood and no one has minded but...)

I've just, basically, had enough.

I want my powerchair back.

But most of all I want my independence and my life back.

I am feeling a lot better about all of this than I was earlier today.  But sitting here writing this it occurs to me that I am lucky.  If the planned cuts to services and benefits here in the UK go ahead there'll be a lot more people in the position I've been in for the last few weeks.  The difference is, however, when I get my powerchair back a lot of that should be allievated for me - and it shouldn't be more than another week (I hope!).  For many of those people, that possibility wouldn't exist.  It might never exist again.