And the crappy attempts at weightloss of me myelf and I.
I went shopping today. And when I went to the loo at lunch time I was messing with the footplate. And I caught sight of the hidden sticker on my powerchair.
The one that says "maximum safe user weight."
That's always been a number that's really far away. It's a ridiculously huge number that is really really fat and that I'll never reach.
But then I realised. I gained three and a half stone last year. If I don't get things under control I could likely do the same this year. And if that happens? I won't just reach that really really fat weight, I'll have surpassed it.
Last year I read The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl by Shauna Reid. And ever since I've been reading her blog. I've spent the last few days rereading the book and finished it this evening.
I loved the book first time round. Shauna lost literally half her body weight over about five/six years. Her journey is pretty amazing how she went from depressed and almost reclusive to married and outgoing as she went on the journey and overcame the depression. It was definitely inspiration and heartwarming to read all of that. I passed it on to my mum and my sister and we all thought the same. The photos in the book are great as well. I especially love the one of Shauna and Dr G both in her "fat jeans".
But reading it again, particularly reading the second half tonight after coming to that realisation earlier?
It made it so much more personal to me and I almost found it hard to read. Because I knew I was depressed about my weight and how I can't wear anything nice and how my mobility is even worse than ever not because of the CP but because of my weight. I got pretty choked up reading it this time.
So once again (and yes, I do annoy myself keep doing this) I start again. My sister is turning 21 in May. She's having a birthday party and there might be a bouncy castle. I'd love to go on that but right now it's pretty much impossible. My mobility is always going to be crap so that's likely to still be impossible even if I lose weight. But heres hoping for more of a chance.
Also, my brothers girlfriend had her 25th birthday party in the same place last October. I was wearing jeans that didn't fit. And I was spasming loads and dancing and the two together meant I had to keep pulling myself back so I was sat in my chair properly. Bloody jeans kept slipping down and I had to get mum to yank them up for me and hold them up whilst I situated myself in my chair properly. More than once.
I don't want to be in that room at another party doing that again.
I think it's going to be difficult and a long journey but I do think it's ultimately doable.
Because I'm going to end up with serious health conditions if I don't do something. And I'm going to have to buy a new wheelchair too if that happens. And most of all because you have no idea how much seeing that "maximum user weight: 300lb" sticker and realising it's not that far away upset and scared me.
Shauna wrote in her book how it was seeing her big knickers and realising they didn't come any bigger that helped her start. But for me? It's definitely that sticker.