This week should be interesting. I know it will push me in ways I've not been pushed in a long time and it's likely I will struggle somewhat. But in a strange way as much as I fought against the change, I'm sort of looking forward to it here and now it's my reality. And knowing that I'm likely to struggle has enabled me to put plans into place to help me if that happens and to try, to a certain extent to prevent it.
I said to my friend Elisa today that I'm doing good at the moment but I'm not sure if I still will be next weekend because this is my first week with only two visits from carers (as I am now funding it myself, I cut it as I can't afford the previous level).
But then tonight I realise, that no matter what I won't be doing good like I am now next weekend. Because being ok with the idea of so little support is something I couldn't have done last year. Another small to me sign of progress made. And regardless of what happens, I'll be sat here next weekend knowing that I've done my best to manage with reduced support.
I won't have done OK.
I'll have done great.
No matter what.
Yes there are now great swathes of time with no carers, no people popping in. It is scary. But it's also sort of freeing.
I still intend to take the matter somewhat further. But for the time being this is just another step on my journey.