Sometimes you gotta sacrifice the things you like

For the last four years I've been involved in a swimming group for disabled people on a friday afternoon.  It's mostly been great fun and I've got some good friends from it.  It also allowed me the opportunity to reconnect with some old friends I'd lost touch with - the session is public (although specifically for PWD and carers as necessary) and they belong to others groups which also go.

I love to swim and when I first started going I was living in my old flat way out of town and struggling to get places and do things.  In short, I was very depressed (I lived there July 2004 - Dec 2005 and joined the group at the end of November 2004).  So it was great for me.  It got me out of the house consisitently because the weeks when my depression was bad and i didn't feel like going it was usually more work to pick up the phone and say I wanted to give it a miss that day than it was to throw a swimsuit and towel in my bag and go.

But lately I've not been enjoying it.  A lot more people go now and it's much more crowded making it much harder for those of us who want to go in the pool and properly swim to actually swim.  In some cases I've felt it unsafe.   And I've been coming out of my depression which made some of the niggles harder to deal with - because I have the energy to be annoyed by them now and to want to do something about them.  There are other related issues but I won't go into them.

As much as I enjoy swimming and enjoy most of the people the two together just wasn't working out for me any more.   I was just getting more and more frustrated and I wasn't able to do what for me the group was about as I wanted too.

So last week after many months of soul searching I made a decision and I said to the charity who run the group.  "thanks for everything, I really appreciate it.  But I'm not enjoying it and I think it better I stop coming and let someone else have the opportunity."

I'm gonna miss everyone a lot (well, almost).  And I didn't expect to be as sad about it as I am.  I got a little choked up talking to my volunteer driver and I cried a little after talking to the coordinator.   Tears of saddened relief.  I know this is the right decision for me but it doesn't make it easy to say goodbye and walk away.  I didn't go to the group as a whole and say goodbye, I've spoken to my particularly friends and told them. and I know the others will find out that way.  I couldn't face going and doing that.  The cowards way out perhaps but it was what I could cope with.

I don't want to give a bad impression of the people involved as I've said I have good friends from it.  It was there when I needed it and it was fantastic - just what I needed.  But it wasn't giving me what I needed any more - I've grown and moved on and my needs and wants have changed.  it was time to leave.

The group may be gone from my life but I hope the good friends from it will remain.  And I'll still swim - Mum and I will start going again after Christmas.  As possibly will a good friend and I.

I've always been a great one for song lyrics and quotes and use them for emotional buoyancy, getting through the tough times.  As I was writing e-mails and talking to friends and coordinators about giving up the swimming group all I could think was "sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like." and about the song it comes from which I've posted below.  Because I do love to swim.  It just wasn't really possible for me to swim like I wanted to as a part of that group any more.  And the frustrations that brought on were really not good for me.

Born to Try - Delta Goodrem

 

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking of what should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds, look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try