I'm still thinking a lot about "The Hardest Part" and what I might like to say/write about that (if anything) for the next Disability Blog Carnival.
But today it strikes me that "The hardest part" for me at least is no one little part. it varies. From week to week, day to day and even hour to hour. It varies. Based on my perspective, my hopes and dreams, the way I feel physically and mentally and what else is going on around me. Based on what others do and what others say.
This morning I had a long conversation with someone. He grabbed me first thing and said we needed to have a chat at some point today. I immediately got all paranoid and freaked out and was like "oh my god bad things are about to happen!!" Waiting for him to come back and talk to me drove me crazy - I don't deal well with the waiting!
It was mostly asking me if I would do something and offering me another opportunity; it was a good conversation. And he gave me something of a pep talk. He has issues of his own and we discussed others attitudes to disability; my own attitudes to my disability and things like that. It was something of a wake up call to me, gave me a lot to think about and in some ways it was hard to hear. But it was interesting and it was good. I want to write more about that but I need to think about it all properly first.
A while back I met someone who does some volunteering helping disabled people do various sports. One of which (diving) isn't something I'd thought of doing but is something that given the opportunity I would love to try. So as soon as I heard he knew about that sort of thing I grabbed him and put the question to him - what would it take to get me doing it?
He said he didn't think my CP would cause any real issues and gave me details of the organisation he volunteers through. There is an opportunity relatively soon for me to maybe have a go at this so yesterday I looked it up on the 'net and e-mailed them.
The fact that I've got CP? Probably not a problem.
The fact that I've got depression? That's a problem. And I need medical clearance from someone who knows me and also who knows diving - which probably rules out my own GP out.
It's a safety issue and I understand that and why they say that.
First thing this morning I probably would have said that the hardest part was others attitudes and silly niggles and annoyances like that. At lunchtime I was really thinking that I would write about some of the stuff we talk about this morning for the carnival, because that was hard. But right at this moment being stopped by my depression - that's the hardest part.
Maybe the correct answer is that there is no one true "hardest part". Maybe it just comes down to perspective and time and personal wherewithal at any given moment.