Sunday, 2 September 2007

My Give a Damn's Busted

As I posted earlier in the week, it wasn't the best week for me. Particularly not Wednesday which was for reasons that I can't talk about here.

It shocked me how much that one stupid little incident got to me and really got me down. In fact, it even scared me a little. Particularly because it was something relatively normal for me and that I could have no way predicted would trigger my depression. Usually I am vaguely away that things will/may be hard and I can prepare for that but this just blindsided me.

There is a tentative plan in place for me to come off of antidepressants at some point next year and I felt so bad that I was worried that long longed for chance was slipping through my fingers before it had even arrived. So feeling that bad was scary.

It comes back to the no longer having the perspective to know what a "normal" down day is. And also the PMS thing played a part, but not in how much it has stayed with me since.

I've restarted my PMS supplements since that day (in fact, all of my supplements) and I've been able to express all this to people who know the exact details. I even have a sort of semi plan in place to prevent the above happening again. I just need to find the strength to implement it properly and stick to my guns.

So writing this I guess it was a good to have bad experience - and coping with bad/tough experiences is sort of why I'm still a prozac princess - as my GP put it one of my biggest issues now is my confidence and we are hoping that a bit longer on meds dealing with normal life may build it up a bit.

Today I do feel a bit less down and a bit better.

Tough, scary, horrible week - done.

My battle - still going, still winning.

On the way home from Sainsbury's at lunchtime this song came on my iPod. Says it all really.

Well, you filled up my head
With so many lies
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted

I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
Naw, sorry, nothin'

You can say you've got issues
You can say you're a victim
It's all your parents' fault, I mean
After all, you didn't pick 'em
Well, maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn's busted

Well, your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uh, who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted

I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothin'

It's a desperate situation
No tellin' what you'll do
If I don't forgive you
You say your life is through
Come on, give me somethin' I can use
My give a damn's busted

Well, I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
No man, sorry
Just nothin, nope
You've really done it this time
My give a damn's busted

My Give a Damn's Busted - Jo Dee Messina

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