My weight is pretty much back to where it was when my Gran died (I still hate typing those words) - I can't believe it's been a month (tomorrow) since she left us. In some ways it feels like so little time and in others, so long.
I am ambivilous about my weight at the moment to be honest. I know I am taking baby steps to losing weight again and I am proud of those. But I just feel blah and numb and like I could care less that I gained some weight back and then lost it again. It seems kind of petty.
And then we come back to the fact that right after my Gran died I didn't eat properly at all for about a week. I lost another four or so pounds and saw 20 lb loss - or 10% of my starting weight. I know that wasn't healthy and I knew it wouldn't last. I told myself that I didn't mind that... I was kidding myself.
I never wrote about losing those extra lb here because I knew it wasn't "real" or "true" weightloss or whatever you want to call it. And when I wrote that I had regained 3lb from what the ticker said? The ticker didn't show those extra 4lb and my gain was those back + the 3 I talked about. That;'s why I was in such a spin.
I'm coming out of the spin now I know but... meh!
I don't wanna feel like this any more.
Please can my mental energies just rewind a month or so to the time when I was "In The Zone" so to speak and this was easy?!
I wish I never would have got anything near looking like this... I wish I would have gained some self confidence, self respect, willpower and pride in myself eight years ago when my weight began to get out of control.
I look so horrible in that photo! I know it is a bad photo but I still hate that I have photos in which I look so covered in rolls of fat. I'm just posting the thumbnail of that pic... you can click to view the fullsize if you want.
If I were feeling able to be realistic and less bogged down in emotionals and chemical imbalances that mess up my thought processes, I would ignore that photo and I know I am letting my illness (depression) win with this entry.
I do have a pretty good photo which was taken an hour or two after the one above... I guess I should post that too. Both of these were taken last night. As I like this I will let you see the full size here.
Going back to making fair comments I should add I guess that I was horribly stressed out in the first pic about something that had just happened and was happier and dancing in the second which I think helps a lot!