Monday, 21 August 2006

Photos, musings on weight

My weight is pretty much back to where it was when my Gran died (I still hate typing those words) - I can't believe it's been a month (tomorrow) since she left us. In some ways it feels like so little time and in others, so long.
I am ambivilous about my weight at the moment to be honest. I know I am taking baby steps to losing weight again and I am proud of those. But I just feel blah and numb and like I could care less that I gained some weight back and then lost it again. It seems kind of petty.

And then we come back to the fact that right after my Gran died I didn't eat properly at all for about a week. I lost another four or so pounds and saw 20 lb loss - or 10% of my starting weight. I know that wasn't healthy and I knew it wouldn't last. I told myself that I didn't mind that... I was kidding myself.

I never wrote about losing those extra lb here because I knew it wasn't "real" or "true" weightloss or whatever you want to call it. And when I wrote that I had regained 3lb from what the ticker said? The ticker didn't show those extra 4lb and my gain was those back + the 3 I talked about. That;'s why I was in such a spin.

I'm coming out of the spin now I know but... meh!

I don't wanna feel like this any more.

Please can my mental energies just rewind a month or so to the time when I was "In The Zone" so to speak and this was easy?!

I wish I never would have got anything near looking like this... I wish I would have gained some self confidence, self respect, willpower and pride in myself eight years ago when my weight began to get out of control.

I look so horrible in that photo! I know it is a bad photo but I still hate that I have photos in which I look so covered in rolls of fat. I'm just posting the thumbnail of that pic... you can click to view the fullsize if you want.

If I were feeling able to be realistic and less bogged down in emotionals and chemical imbalances that mess up my thought processes, I would ignore that photo and I know I am letting my illness (depression) win with this entry.

I do have a pretty good photo which was taken an hour or two after the one above... I guess I should post that too. Both of these were taken last night. As I like this I will let you see the full size here.

Dancing Girl... Not quite so fat!

Going back to making fair comments I should add I guess that I was horribly stressed out in the first pic about something that had just happened and was happier and dancing in the second which I think helps a lot!

1 comment:

Norma said...

Losing a loved one is so stressful and painful. I hope you can soon get back on track, but I'm glad you're not being too hard on yourself and you realize what is happening.

My MM is up. Stop by for a visit.


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