I have so much I want to write tonight but I am upset and I know I can't do it justice.
In a way my Gran has been gone a long time as the strokes meant that for the last year or so at least she wasn't who she was if you know what I mean. But she was there, physically, and we could still see her personality inside the body that no longer cooperated with her. And every so often we would get a glimpse of the real Gran and that would be amazing. So there was still the part that could delude myself into thinking that one day, maybe, the figure of my childhood, the person I have so many wonderful memories of and spent so much happy time with would be with us once again.
But then came that fateful phone call on Saturday morning with the words that echo over and over in my head like a sick mantra that hurts all the time.
"I've got a bit of sad news" my mum said "It's Gran; she's died."
And the world as I knew it, ended.
The fantasy and the reality shattered and fell apart... I will never hug my Gran again and tell her I love her lots or sit with her and chatter away to her as I did most saturdays since I left uni.
And I will never go to feed the chickens with her again and have her ask "oh is it AGONY?" when I got corn in my shoe.
There will be no more whole family Easter Egg hunts on Easter Morning with the eggs hidden in the "swimming pool" - a part of her Garden we used to pretend was a pool in our games. She would hide so many eggs each with our names on and then lots of mini eggs which were a free for all. We'd still be finding them come November.
There will be no more visits from the wonderful gift giving Pillow Fairy who always visited when we went to stay.
There never would have been but I could pretend and hope and dream... I can't any longer.
Gran was the last of my Grandparents left alive and there is a strange sense of moving up in the family pecking order now... I don't like it at all.
But all I can do is sit here... fondly remembering The Most Wonderful Pillow Fairy... remembering her with lots and love and the hope that if I ever have Grandchildren I will be as wonderful to them as Gran and the rest of my Grandparents were to me.
There's lots else I could do; there's lots else I would like to do. But I refuse to do that to them and their memories.