Monday Music - Born This Way

I first started thinking about using this song for a Monday Music last week after the comments made by Philip Davies in the House of Commons (he said that disabled people should work for less than minimum wage as they are less productive.)  People were tweeting how they were not worthless and it came to mind.  But in the end I tweeted a link to a video of Bruno Mars, Just The Way You Are.

Then it turned into a bit of a week when people make stupid comments about my disability.

First, earlier in the week someone was saying where the disabled loo was at the event and another person went "where's the normal one?" to be honest I found that kinda funny but she was totally and utterly mortified when she realised what she'd said and apologised repeatedly.  I'm sure she was much more bothered than I was.

Then on Saturday I asked someone "so... how are you?"  The gestured at my wheelchair and then went "well... better than you."  I said "I'm fine." and she said "I know you are"  That did make me want to roll my eyes but it's someone I know well who hasn't been at all well, who didn't look good and said it in such a stiff upper lip "mustn't grumble" type way that I understood and let it go.

A bit later I was out for a bit of a wheel and an acquaintance stopped me to ask if I wanted a push.  I said no and we chatted a bit.  We've known each other a few years but only on and off and really don't know each other that well.  Our conversation went a bit like this:

"How long have you been disabled?"

"From birth.  I've got CP the same as [a CPer we both know]"

"oh how tragic."

"What?!"

"Well you were whole and then there was an accident with your birth and now you're disabled"

"I'm whole now.  And anyway a lack of oxygen at birth was never gonna turn out well.  Better disabled than dead."

She got called away at that point which was probably a good thing.  I was very annoyed by that conversation.  Being disabled doesn't make me less of a person.  But I didn't lose it with her because I didn't feel I could and also I was shocked by the way the conversation had gone.  Now I've had time to think about it? Not happy at all.

I'm a sailor, a writer, a volunteer CAB adviser, a knitter, a friend, a daughter, a sister.  I'm messy, I'm opinionated, disorganised and loud.  I dye my hair crazy colours, spend too much time on twitter, read crappy fanfics and go to bed much too late.  I lose track of time reading too many books, like Doctor Who and want to start watching Grey's Anatomy again.  I eat too much chocolate and drink too much coke.  I'm learning to crochet and have piles of unused scrapbooking materials.  And yes I have both depression and CP.  And I use a wheelchair.  But none of those make me any less of a person who spends all their time on their own two feet.  The most important thing?  I'm me.  I'm Emma.

So for this week's Monday Music I'm sharing Born This Way.  Originally by Lady Gaga, this is the Glee version.  Mostly because the Lady Gaga video is really annoying (the song doesn't start for several minutes into the video) but also because, basically it's Glee.  I love the tops they wear too.

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M 

Just put your paws up 

'Cause you were born this way, baby 

My mama told me when I was young 

We are all born superstars 

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on 

In the glass of her boudoir 

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are" 

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe" 

"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far, 

Listen to me when I say" 

I'm beautiful in my way, 

'Cause God makes no mistakes 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't hide yourself in regret, 

Just love yourself and you're set 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

(Born this way) 

Ooo, there ain't no other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Ooo, there ain't other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't be a drag, just be a queen 

Don't be a drag, just be a queen 

Don't be a drag, just be a queen 

Don't be! 

Give yourself prudence and love your friends 

Subway kid, rejoice the truth 

In the religion of the insecure 

I must be myself, respect my youth 

A different lover is not a sin 

Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey) 

I love my life, I love this record and 

Mi amore vole fe yah 

I'm beautiful in my way, 

'Cause God makes no mistakes 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't hide yourself in regret, 

Just love yourself and you're set 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Ooo, there ain't no other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Ooo, there ain't other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't be drag, just be a queen 

Whether you're broke or evergreen 

You're black, white, beige, chola descent 

You're lebanese, you're orient 

Whether life's disabilities 

Left you outcast, bullied or teased 

Rejoice and love yourself today 

'Cause baby, you were born this way 

No matter gay, straight or bi 

lesbian, transgendered life 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born to survive 

No matter black, white or beige 

chola or orient made 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born to be brave 

I'm beautiful in my way 

'Cause God makes no mistakes 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't hide yourself in regret, 

Just love yourself and you're set 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way, yeah! 

Ooo, there ain't no other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Baby, I was born this way 

Ooo, there ain't other way 

Baby, I was born this way 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

I was born this way, hey! 

I was born this wayy, hey! 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way, hey! 

I was born this way, hey! 

I was born this way, hey! 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way, hey!

NaBloPoMo Day Three: How You Live (Turn Up The Music)

A few weeks ago I heard this song again and wanted to share it here.  But I was sure I'd already done so a while back.  I went hunting for the entry it was in and I can't find it so either I was wrong about that or it is here but not filed under the obvious category.

It's about the way in which we live - and good ways to do so.  It does make reference to God at one point.  I don't particularly agree with that part of it but it's still a good song.  Overall I love the message it brings and it's one I agree with.

Point of Grace - How You Live (Turn Up The Music) 

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

 

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow men
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Now I lay me down not to sleep...

... I just get tangled in the sheets!

I wrote on the NaNo Oxfordshire forum yesterday that Who Needs Sleep by Barenaked Ladies is my NaNo song.  And I just started the video for it playing.  I never realised exactly what that first line is but now I do I think it's not my NaNo song, it's my everyday of my bloody life song.

Coz I ask my carers to put the sheets properly back on my bed practically every time they come... and I do it roughly myself in between times.

**

"I think never is enough, yeah never is enough..."

Barenaked Ladies also have a song that sums up my thoughts on the getting a new carer soon situation too.

**

And one that when sang with sarcasm sums up my last other carers then my (soon to leave) regular one or you lose the sarcasm and it works for my current carer (Multipurpose songs of my life! I love it!) - Thanks, That Was Fun.

**

Basically, it appears that BNL have a song for most aspects of my life.  Because If I Had $1,000, 000 sums it up for me too.

Anything Can Happen

I travelled up to Birmingham yesterday and met up with my friend Rachel who I met at university and lived with for a year. It was really fun. Long, long day though. I ended up being out of the house for practically 12 hours (literally five minutes more and it would have been 12 hours). But so worth it.

I had a wander round the shops while I was waiting for her, we went to Pizza Hut, had another wander round the shops together and then went to the theatre to see the Mary Poppins musical. Went to Starbucks for a drink after (couldn't track down an accessible pub on our way), wandered a little in paperchase then came home. Didn't buy anything in all that shopping but I did get some merchandise at the theatre.

I loved loved LOVED the show. It's touring at present but instead of a week here and a week there it's just doing a couple of months each in about four or five places. I'm glad I had my initial "Birmingham is too far" thoughts (figuratively) slapped out of my head and arranged to go. The best bit was seeing the different ways in which they did things which were in the film. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was probably the best of those.

Some parts of the show aren't in the film and vice versa. Rachel said she didn't like one of the songs that isn't in the film and whilst I didn't think it was the best of the songs I wouldn't go so far as to say I didn't like that. To me the differences were part of what made it so magical.

And it was magical, it really was. There were stunts done in there that I didn't think were possible in a small touring production. But then again 1) I don't know this can be called "small" and 2) I suspect that might be part of the reason why they aren't doing a huge multi-venue tour.

I think my favourite-ist song was one that wasn't in the film - Anything Can Happen.

It's got great lyrics which make me laugh and smile. And a fabulous message, one I need reminding of now and then - Anything can happen if you let it - I'd not thought I needed that reminder now but I guess I did because it's made me feel more determined about a few things I've been debating.

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
Sometimes things are difficult but you can bet it
Doesn't have to be so

[JANE]
Changes can be made

[MICHAEL]
You can move a mountain if you use a larger spade

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen, it's a marvel

[MICHAEL]
You can be a butterfly

[JANE]
Or just stay larval

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Stretch your mind beyond fantastic
Dreams are made of strong elastic

[MARY POPPINS]
Take some sound advice and don't forget it

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
I wonder...

[ALL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
You won't know a challenge until you've met it

[MICHAEL]
No one does it for you

[WINIFRED]
No one but yourself
Vacillating violets get left up on the shelf
Anything can happen, just imagine

[MARY POPPINS]
That should be epitaph
I wear the badge in
Hhonour of this world's free thinkers

[WINIFRED]
Those who see beyond their blinkers

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Jelly isn't jelly

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
'Til you set it
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
What good is a whistle

[BERT]
Unless you whet it

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
Broaden your horizons

[BERT]
Open different doors

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
You may find a you there that you never knew was yours

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Anything can happen

[MRS CORRY]
Raise the curtain
Things you though impossible

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Will soon seem certain
Thought at first it may sound clownish
See the world more upside-downish
Turn it on its head then pirouette it

[BERT, MRS CORRY & LAMP-LIGHTERS]
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we've found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

[ALL]
You get the stars thrown in

If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we've found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

Anything can happen if you let it
Life is out there waiting so go and get it
Grab it by the collar, seize it by the scruff
Once you've started living life you just can't get enough

Anything can happen, it's official
You can choose the super or the superficial
Sally forth the way we're steering
Obstacles start disappearing
Go and chase your dreams you won't regret it
Anything can happen
(Anything can happen)
Anything can happen

[MARY POPPINS, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen

[ALL]
If you let it

Coming Out!

Sailing starts again on 14th April (just under two weeks!) and we're having the beginning of the season get together this evening.

More commonly referred to as The Coming Out Supper.

You can probably guess what I've been running around the house singing ever since I found out it was tonight...

I'm coming out (I'm comin')
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
i'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I'm coming out (comin)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
I'm comin
I'm coming out (comin)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I've got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my abillities
Ther's so much more to me
Somehow, I'll have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I have planned
I'm spreadin' love
There's no need to fear
And I just feel so glad
Everytime I hear:

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
I'm coming out (comin)
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
I'm comin (x3)

(the music bridge)

chorus x5

I'm, I'm comin OUT!
I have to shout
that im comin out,
i have to work it out
I have to let it out
o yeah ......

Diana Ross

 

Should really be great fun... and I'm looking forward to it.

But I gotta stop singing that damn song!

Dancing at Discos....

....Eating Cheese on Toast

Kate Nash rocks my (non existant, odd) socks.

Best song. lyric. ever.  Or at least at the moment.

Can't say I have ever danced at a disco and eaten cheese on toast at the same time (now, chips those I have) but it makes me laugh.

I’m gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a pez dispenser

Nickelback also rock my sock (just the one this time) and win the title of my second. best. lyric. of. the. moment.

Do you think if I found a pez dispenser on eBay I actually could use it to store my pills?  Is it terribly sad and pathetic that I really want to try?!

Better left to chance

I've written before about how I believe that having CP is what is right for me.  And about how if I didn't have CP there are many experiences that would have been different.  Some good; some bad.

There are things which CP means I do differently to everyone else - a friend's dad once told her in my hearing that she should be grateful because there's plenty she does I can't (she has a milder form of CP).  I told him I do everything everyone else does but I just do it differently.  I don't think he got it.  He made out that he did but he was humouring me.  i don't think many people get it.

My life would be different if I didn't have CP; very different.  I can't tell you what that would be.  It has never happened and it will never happen.  But what I can tell you is that it wouldn't be any easier.  Life isn't easy.  It's not supposed to be.

"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears"

That's an American Indian proverb and is very, very true in my opinion.

I was listening to my iPod this morning as I wandered on my way up to the bureau.  I shuffled it before leaving the house and one of the first songs that came on was Especially for You by Kylie and Jason.

That used to be one of my absolute favourite songs when I was  a little girl.  And listening to it brought back a memory which I think was about three weeks before my 8th birthday.  It wasn't a happy memory.  At the beginning of December that year I was hospitalised and I had my last surgery (hamstring and ankle releases).  I was on the childrens ward and one day someone from hospital radio came to see me.  They asked me to chose a song which they would play and dedicate to me.  I asked for something by Kylie or Jason.

Fast forward to that evening or maybe the evening and I had to have an injection.  They had to hold me down to do it and I screamed and screamed.  At the same time someone took the headphones to the hospital radio and put them on me.  Especially for You was playing - especially for me.  I listened to it as I screamed and I cried.

And as I listened to that song this morning I remembered that long ago day.  And yes, I could have done without that experience, without that memory coming back to me.

18 (argh! 18?!?!) years later it can safely be said that long term that surgery probably didn't have the success we wanted from it.  Sometimes now I look back (even over the last four or so years) and wonder just how the hell I used to be able to do things that I can't any more.  Because things have changed so much.  Maybe without that operation (or any of the others) things would be better than they are now but equally they may be worse.  I really don't care either way.

As with several other experiences I have had, I've been there and I've done that (hell I even bought the t'shirt!).  And if I had of known what the outcome would be I might have chosen differently.  But I'm glad I didn't know.  Because each experience brought me blessings and good things - things that if I'd missed out on the pain I'd have missed out on.

I love who I am now.  Even if it did take pain, suffering and something of an ongoing fight to get here.

One of my favourite songs is The Dance by Garth Brooks

And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way It all would end
The way It all would go
Our lives,
Are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'da had to miss the dance.

 

The dance makes it all worthwhile.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little Unwell...

I really don't like depression or pms or...

And I've been crying on and off all evening.  So much so that I rang mMum to tell her I was feeling better and by the time she was out of the bath and called me back I was crying again.  Joy.

My  dad came round tonight and did a few odd bits for me.  He bought the dog with him... and the first thing the dog did was cock a leg and wee all over my (new) washing basket.... I told him off and so did Dad and then we laughed.

I know this is a pms thing and I know this is a depression thing and I know this whole crying thing mainly stems from a couple of stupid throwaway comments made by others that weren't meant to hurt me but which did and which I can't leave behind.  Stupid depression feedback loop like thinking.  Stupid secondary disability crap.

And it's not helped by the fact that 1) my parents go away on Saturday and I now worry that they're going to be worrying about me whilst away because of how sad I am right now.  and 2) there is/was a tentative plan in place to reduce/wean my antidepressants this year - the fifth anniversary of which is fast approaching - and I get like this and panic that it's slipping away from me and, and and...

Rationally I know this is alllll stupid and irrelevant and in no way important.  And as Mum put it this time of year is a shitty one and people struggle.  And as Dad put it I'm doing really well and he's proud of me (which is why the tears started again by the time my Mum called back - he'd just said that).

But my brain and my emotions and my hormones are totally messed up and this is the result.   This will sort itself out in a few days and for now... I'm gonna go listen to this song and remind myself of it's truth.

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

This is probably going to be the first of several "songs of my life" entries written this week as I have a couple of other songs I want to put here.  And also it stops me having to write about how I'm feeling mentally/emotionally right now (not good).

I love this song.  I loved the Rufus Wainright version of this song (from Shrek) when I first heard it but then I heard this version a few weeks ago and it moved me even more.  I love it.

Mostly I just love the slow quiet peaceful feel it has.  It's calming, healing almost.   And with my head a mess of thoughts and emotions, with my demon resurfacing once again, it is welcome.  It soothes me when my soul is troubled as it has been all too often just lately.  I don't know if it's the words or even the message - but it's definitely the melody.  and it's definitely all those things mixed together to form a whole that is greater than it's parts.

I've never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I don't think that I have it to it's true extent.  But it's certainly true that I struggle big style at this time of year.  I never noticed it before I went to uni and I used to think it came down to getting used to new carers, new housemates and new classes at this time of the year with the start of a new semester at the beginning of October.  Now however I can't help thinking that definitely did play a part (because I am struggling more this year than last due to the drastic change in my support situation), the light and the lack of it as well as the cold weather, crisp breezes and icy paths played the biggest part.

It's tough right now.

But I keep going.  Safe in the knowledge that I have sixteen more doses of medication to take this year - and then I won't have missed a single dose in 2007.

I am making progress and leaving my demons mostly in my past.  It just doesn't feel like it all the time.

My Give a Damn's Busted

As I posted earlier in the week, it wasn't the best week for me. Particularly not Wednesday which was for reasons that I can't talk about here.

It shocked me how much that one stupid little incident got to me and really got me down. In fact, it even scared me a little. Particularly because it was something relatively normal for me and that I could have no way predicted would trigger my depression. Usually I am vaguely away that things will/may be hard and I can prepare for that but this just blindsided me.

There is a tentative plan in place for me to come off of antidepressants at some point next year and I felt so bad that I was worried that long longed for chance was slipping through my fingers before it had even arrived. So feeling that bad was scary.

It comes back to the no longer having the perspective to know what a "normal" down day is. And also the PMS thing played a part, but not in how much it has stayed with me since.

I've restarted my PMS supplements since that day (in fact, all of my supplements) and I've been able to express all this to people who know the exact details. I even have a sort of semi plan in place to prevent the above happening again. I just need to find the strength to implement it properly and stick to my guns.

So writing this I guess it was a good to have bad experience - and coping with bad/tough experiences is sort of why I'm still a prozac princess - as my GP put it one of my biggest issues now is my confidence and we are hoping that a bit longer on meds dealing with normal life may build it up a bit.

Today I do feel a bit less down and a bit better.

Tough, scary, horrible week - done.

My battle - still going, still winning.

---

On the way home from Sainsbury's at lunchtime this song came on my iPod. Says it all really.

---

Well, you filled up my head
With so many lies
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
Naw, sorry, nothin'

You can say you've got issues
You can say you're a victim
It's all your parents' fault, I mean
After all, you didn't pick 'em
Well, maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn's busted

Well, your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uh, who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothin'

It's a desperate situation
No tellin' what you'll do
If I don't forgive you
You say your life is through
Come on, give me somethin' I can use
My give a damn's busted

Well, I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper
No man, sorry
Just nothin, nope
You've really done it this time
My give a damn's busted

My Give a Damn's Busted - Jo Dee Messina

Shut Up!

I would dearly love to dedicate this song to one or two people I've had dealings with this week. They don't know who they are and they won't ever read this but I DON'T CARE!

You say i should do it differently,
I don’t necessarily agree.
Stand up, sit down, be nice.
Did ya hear me ask for your advice?

Don’t bother trying to tell me your beliefs,
Your point of view is pretty screwed to me
Do this, do that, on track…
Do me a favor and don’t talk back.

Round and round
And the conversation always ends where it began.
Round and round, and i need a vacation
I got a headache from you….

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me
Shut up!

Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah,blah
That’s what it sounds like you said to me.
You nag and you brag and i gag.
There’s so much beauty in what we have …

You must have better things that you can do,
Or does your life revolve around me too?
What you want what i need,oh please!
I think you get off hearing yourself speak

Round and round, but the conversation always ends where it began
Round and round and i need a vacation
I got a headache from you….

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me

Shut up, don’t want to be polite.
It’s messed up, how you always think you’re right.
There’s nothing you can say that’s gonna change the way i am…

Shut up!

Round and round,
And the conversation always ends where it began.
Round and round and i need a vacation.
I got a headache from u

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me

Shut up, don’t want to be polite.
It’s messed up, how you always think you’re right.
There’s nothing you can say that’s gonna change the way i am….

So shut up!

~ Shut Up, Kelly Osbourne

How to Save a Life

How To Save A Life (Grey's Anatomy Version)

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Love that song. And love that Grey's Anatomy video even more.

Step one you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down, it’s just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through.
Some sort of window to your right,
As he goes left and you stay right,
Between the lines of fear and blame.
You begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

Let him know that you know best,
'Cause after all you do know best.
Try to slip past his defense,
Without granting innocence.
Lay down a list of what is wrong.
The things you’ve told him all along.
Pray to god he hears you.
And I pray to god he hears you and,

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

As he begins to raise his voice,
You lower yours and grant him one last choice.
"Drive until you lose the road,
Or break with the ones you’ve followed."
He will do one of two things.
He will admit to everything,
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same,
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
How to save a life.
How to save a life.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
How to save a life.
How to save a life.

Big Girl

Big girl you are beautiful

Walks into the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girl, you are beautiful"
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, big girl, you are beautiful

You take your skinny girl
I feel like I'm gonna die
Cause a real woman needs a real man here's why
You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lotta woman needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby
No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole with the girls around
Curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Walks into the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, "Hey girl, you are beautiful"
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke, I'm on my knees
Screaming, big girl, you are beautiful

You take your girl and multiply her by four
Now a whole lotta woman needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby
No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole with the girls around
Curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby
No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole with the girls around
Curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby
No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole with the girls around
Curves in all the right places

Big Girl, you are beautiful

(Mika)

I love that song. It's a real feel good song and it does make me smile and remember that whatever my size I'm beautiful. Yes, the lyrics are pretty damn cheesy but it's message isn't.

Last night on the way to sailing there were three of us "big girls" in the car singing along to that song and feeling good about ourselves.

And then there wasn't enough wind to sail so two of us went for a walk around the other reservoir. It's more than 1 mile around and the ground isn't that flat. I did it all self propelling my K.

I got home with very sore shoulders. But with a smile on my face, laughter in my soul and the knowledge that I am fit, I am capable and I am beautiful.

What Do You Hear In These Sounds?

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...
And she says

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh," I say, "What?" she says, "Exactly,"
I say, "What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past

Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses?"
and...

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself...

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, 'cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me, and...

The stories that nobody hears, and...

I collect these sounds in my ears, and...

That's what I hear in these sounds, and...

That's what I hear in these,
That's what I hear in these sounds.

What Do You Hear In These Sounds ~ Dar Williams

I have several Dar Williams songs on my iPod but yesterday this one came on. I'd not heard it before but it struck a chord with me and I've listened to it several times since.

I've been in counselling since April 2006, I've made no secret of that or of the fact that I have depression. It's not something I am ashamed of but it's sort of hard for me to explain why it [counselling] helps me and what I think/feel about it. Depression too is something that it's hard to get someone who hasn't lived it to understand. That always both pleases and frustrates me all at once. It pleases me because it means they haven't had to walk the path I have walked but it frustrates me because sometimes I just want people to understand.

I've made lots of progress in counselling. It's hard for me to see just how much progress I've made until my counsellor or my GP points it out to me but I have. It's not usually someone else who makes those connections for me. My counsellor seems to think it's normal and not surprising that I never connect them myself.

I think the biggest place I have made progress is in med compliance. Before I would always take them for a few days and then not for weeks on end and I'd mess with the amount I take. Now it's May 27th 2007 and the last time I missed my meds was 31st Dec 2006. I occasionally mess with the amount of baclofen I take but only to take slightly more (as my Rx states) on super spastic days. Fluoxetine and I have been in exactly the same relationship all year - I take the Rx'd amount, no more, no less.

So why did I need to share the song?

Because it sums up either exactly or very closely all/most of my thoughts and feelings about counselling and depression.

One Song - Meme

I keep seeing people do the One Song meme and thinking I should do it.  And then I clicked on Funky Mango's blog and saw she had done it.  And I'm bored.  So I gave it a go.  I think it's meant to be the soundtrack of the movie of my life.  All I can say about it is, I haven't laughed so hard in so long!

Put your iTunes or whatever music player you use on shuffle and for each of the categories/questions below put exactly the name and artist of the track that comes on.  NO cheating!

Opening Credits:
Standing Outside The Fire - Garth Brooks

Waking Up:
We've Got Tonight - Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

First Day At School:
But I Do Love You - LeAnn Rimes

Falling In Love:
Proppa Cuppa Coffee - Rolf Harris

Fight Song:
Slow Hand - Pointer Sisters

Breaking Up:
MTV Mash Bad vs Ghostbusters - Michael Jackson

Prom:
Working 9 to 5 (dance remix) - Dolly Parton

Life:
Wheelchair Talking Blues - Fred Small

Mental Breakdown:
I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany

Driving:
Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin

Flashback:
Who's David - Busted

Getting back together:
One More Day - Diamond Rio

Wedding:
Crash and Burn - Savage Garden

Birth of Child:
A Whole New World - Disney's Aladdin

Final Battle:
In Heaven There Is No Beer - The Dubliners

Death Scene:
Peace of Me - Natasha Beddingfield

Funeral Song:
Damnit, Janet - Rocky Horror Picture Show

End Credits:
Agadoo - Black Lace

The River

I've been thinking about sharing this song here for quite a while. It's Garth Brooks and whilst he's not really cool or big here I do have to say that he does have a talent for songs with a meaning and which make me think and feel and wonder. And relate to which is even better. One thing I think we are missing in the UK is music with a meaning, we don't seem to have had any recently. But maybe I'm just missing it and it is actually there.

I feel a bit down today, have most of the day and this is another good song that helps with that.One thing I really like about this song is how it is so like my life - how I am trying to be and to live/view my life.

You know a dream is a like a river
Ever changing as it flows
And the dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores... and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
Let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide... yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

~The River, Garth Brooks

Ordinary Miracle

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Ordinary Miracle - Sarah McLachlan

I love this song loads. I'm told that it's in the Charlotte's Web film that's out at the moment which I'm actually not bothered about seeing (roll on May when the cinema opens here and I dont have to trek off on the train to go to the pictures). I read the book when I was much younger but I can't remember too much about it's plot.

There are some books from my childhood I still adore and re-read - I finished reading Goodnight Mr Tom by Michelle Magorian yesterday and that is a powerful tale that still amazes me. Unfortunately (or not, depending on how you look at it) Charlotte's Web is not in that category and it's just too much effort to go to the cinema to see the film. Maybe when it's on DVD.

Anyway I think Sarah McLachlan is a hugely talented singer and I've always liked her songs. She has a way of putting really feeling and emotions into her songs - and that just makes them even more powerful than the lyrics would suggest.

Things just work out after all - that is something I've been trying to focus on a lot lately in hopes of leaving behind some of my stress, guilt, anger, and depression. Several people have told me it's working and I can half see it for myself but not too clearly. So that is one of my favourite lines from the song.

And when you think about it, Nature is a miracle in so many ways. Ways that change with each day and moment that passes.

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know whyWell I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Me,
talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talkin' bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin
Somehow I've lost my mind

Well I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

Well I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, How I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
(A little unwell)
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Unwell - Matchbox 20

This is a song that helped me a lot right after I was diagnosed with depression and had problems all my other lovely related issues that go with it like not sleeping well etc etc. It's a song that still helps me a lot nearly four years after my diagnosis. The end of January and february are not good times for me because of time markers in the past and I think a few people who read this may also find it useful so I wanted to share it tonight. (and because at least one of the people reading this will think i'm thinking of her and just her, I can actually think of three people who read this)

I was dx with clinical depression on 10th Feb 2003. I had a lot of issues for well over a year before I was diagnosed and my friends were encouraging me to seek help for four or five months before I did. In a little over two weeks I will mark four years on treatment. Originally I was wrongly told that I would need to be on treatment for six months. When the current WHO guidelines actually state that a pt should remain on treatment for 6 months once they are stable/better to ensure a true "cure". I've frequently got to almost six months but i've never gotten there. I'm doing pretty well with things at the moment and have been since the end of August/September which pretty much is six months. But I'm not ready to stop treatment. I have however managed to take ALL meds and supplements so far this month! which is a huge big deal for me but still the four year mark is a huge thing for me because I was supposed to be back to being "me" way before now. My counsellor keeps telling me I'm making huge progress and I know I am and I know that I will reach a point where either I do stop treatment or it just becomes a "for life and accepted as such" thing. It is part of my normal at the moment but part of me still thinks about how it isn't supposed to be in my normal any more.

You know what? I don't think I will ever be back to being "me" as I was before. Everything we experience and every single day shapes us and moulds us and who we are. I'm not the person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won't be the person I am today. I can never be the predepression Emma ever again. I can be and I am a better person than I was then. An older one, a bigger one, a stronger one. Just me.

Breath of Heaven

I wanted to share another of Amy Grant's Christmas songs - Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song). It's another one with a calming, soothing melody which touches me. And I like the lyrics. Especially because it goes back to what Christmas should be about.

I'm not feeling particularly Christmassy, I think possibly because I have so much on literally right after Christmas (in one case, the day after boxing day) and also because this is the first Christmas since my Gran died and we no longer have any Grandparents to visit. Yes, we do still have some extended family but I don't believe any plans have been made to see them. So it's going to be a different Christmas to any I have ever known. We've had a Christmas with just the five of us before - when we were in Australia in 1998 - but we had family at the end of the phone and we knew they were waiting for us when we got home. All of our Grandparents are still waiting for us; but not somewhere we can reach them this Christmas. Except for in our prayers.

I have traveled
Many moonless nights
Cold and weary
With a babe inside

And I wonder
What I've done
Holy Father
You have come

And chosen me now
To carry Your Son

I am waiting
In a silent prayer
I am frightened
By the load I bear

In a world as cold as snow
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy

Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one
Should have had my place

But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

~Amy Grant

Now I Know I Can Handle This

Sometime the only way forward is to keep going and battle through. Battling through is tough, so tough but ignoring the obstacle isn't going to work and you can't get round it, that will just make things worse. So you battle through and it isn't OK and you wish you weren't doing what you're having to. But you do have to so you make it OK, paste a happy smile on your face and keep on going. And eventually you overcome the obstacle or you find a way of assimilating it and then it is OK because you have a new normal and that is included in it. Either way it isn't a problem to you any more.

I once heard it said that when things are tough you shouldn't take things week by week or day by day you break them down into little bits that are as big as you can handle but no bigger and you deal with the first of those then you go on to the next and the next and the next.

Both of those things sum up where I am at the moment. It is looking more and more likely that I am facing a new challenge in my life - High Blood Pressure. not overly serious or life threatening but equally something that can't be waved away and ignored but which must be investigated and if necessary treated. At worst it should just mean I need regular bloods doing for a while and regular medication (more than likely lifelong). And it is something that I couldn't have wholly prevented but my weight and my diet etc have played a part in it. When it was checked at the gym last week it was 145/97 (argh! miles too high) and today when Julie checked it was 125/95 (the top number is pretty great now but the top number makes all of us wibble)
It is going to be OK, I know it will be. Because as I said to Julie (my practice nurse who I see regularly) today when she checked it it's not OK but I'm going to make it be OK because I have no choice. And as she pointed out to me normal for the bottom number is 80 and so it is high and it is bad but it could be so much worse - it could be 200. So we check it again next week. And in the meantime I go back to singing my "coping song" and to watch the DVD I got for my birthday.

Now I know I can handle this
I'll close my mouth and clench my fist
I've lived this day in a thousand ways
But there's a flaw to add to my list

Go on and squeeze a little more
'Cause if you scream I'll just ignore you
But I've rehearsed this scene in a million dreams
You're getting closer to my core

And I'm so damn frustrated
Losing breath and now I'm shaking
Gotta keep myself from breaking down
Someone get me out

(Chorus)
Tear don't you fall, eyes dont you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can't break down, break down
Pride don't cave in, head don't let go
While I'm open you can read me
I can't break down, break down
Break down, break down

Blocked it out for long enough
Got really good at playing rough now
I've been prepared and not really care
For being brave is getting tough

Chin don't start to quiver
Hands now don't you shiver
Gotta keep myself from breaking down
Someone get me out
Someone let me out

(Chorus)
Tear don't you fall, eyes dont you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can't break down, break down
Pride don't cave in, head don't let go
While I'm open you can read me
I can't break down, break down
Break down, break down

You smile like the cat who's got the cream
I'm vulnerable and I know you see me
There's so much I wanna say
But this lump in my throat makes me walk away
Away, away, away, away

Tear don't you fall,
Eyes don't you cry
Pride don't cave in,
Head don't let go

(Chorus)
Tear don't you fall, eyes don't you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can't break down, break down
Pride don't cave in, head don't fall off
While I'm open you can read me

I can't break down, break down,break down, break down

~Sinead Quinn, I Can't Break Down